The curse of a raging libido
'I would repeatedly cheat on my wives, get caught and then reconcile. And cheat again. I spent lakhs on escort services. Now all I have is remorse'
In the 40 minutes that I spend with Jasvir*, he does not look at me once. As we sit down, he readjusts his chair so that the swimsuit-clad woman in the pool behind us does not distract him. 'Don't mind me. When you're recovering, you need abstinence,' he tells me.
Jasvir is a recovering sex addict who heads a sexoholics support group in Delhi — The Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA). A medical practitioner, his addiction led to depression and he was soon hooked to sleeping pills. He battled the addiction for over a decade before seeking help. 'I would buy dozens of porn magazines every week and spend obsessively on the women I slept with,' confides Jasvir.
Ironically, he had no relationship with his wife. Today, he helps young men battle the disorder.
So what exactly constitutes sex addition. Is it compulsive masturbation? Or a nagging porn habit you've nursed since the class 7? Or does seven-eight orgasms per day make you an addict? 'Addiction cannot be linked to numbers. If an individual's sexual desire is uncontrolled, his needs unquenched, and behaviour compulsive, that's sex addiction,' says sexologist Prakash Kothari, who set up Asia's first department of sexology at KEM Hospital in Mumbai. (Read: )
It was only after the breakdown of his third marriage that 42-year-old Sudhir* realised that what he was staring into was a problem. 'I would repeatedly cheat on my wives, get caught and then reconcile. And, cheat again. I spent lakhs on escort services. Now all I have is remorse,' he reveals in a telephonic conversation. He has been sober for over two years now and continues to take professional help.
'There are two prominent theories about sex addiction. One is that addiction is a biochemical reaction. The other theory attributes addiction to psychodynamic causes. Usually children of dysfunctional families with a negative attitude to sex develop a sense of low self-esteem, that can only be redeemed by sex or masturbation,' explains prominent Chennai sexologist Dr Narayana Reddy. 'Most cases have a strong psychological background. But, in some, where the individual has a ancestral history of mental illness, genetic resurgence plays a part,' explains Kothari.
Sociologist Vivek Kumar, who teaches at JNU, believes that the disorder is largely a consequence of social actions. 'Usually, such behaviour patterns are linked with the person's history. There's always a trigger when you investigate his sociological background,' says Kumar.
For all the prurient interest the disorder drums up, sex addiction — or 'satyriasus', the medical term for male sex addicts, and 'nymphomania' for female sex addicts — does not find mention in the American Psychiatry Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the go-to journal for mental health practitioners.
The term, 'sex addiction' was first coined by Patrick Carnes in 1983 in his book Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction. It has come a long way in popular imagination with celebrities like Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods now a part of dinner time conversations. Films such as Steve McQueen's Shame, with a powerful performance by Michael Fassbender as a man grappling with his addiction, Clark Gregg's Choke adapted from Chuck Palahniuk's novel, among others have all helped to turn the spotlight on sex addiction.
Recovery route
For the longest time, the battle was with myself. I was in denial,' says Jasvir. 'I spent lakhs on my treatment abroad. I wonder how many addicts can afford that. Many people here don't even know it is a disorder.' In India there's also the stigma attached that hampers identification. 'But the numbers are increasing. 'A decade ago, I would get barely five to six cases a month. These days, it is anywhere between 15 and 20 cases,' says Kothari. 'When we started SAA, (part of the SAA in the US), there were only two members. Now, with more people talking about it, it has risen to seven,' says Jasvir.
SAA caters only to men. This reporter was barred from attending an SAA meet on the plea that since it was felt that all SAA being men, the presence of a female would disrupt proceedings. 'Maybe it is the nature of the condition, but paraphilia is seen in males mostly. I've had only five-six women walk up to me to discuss the problem,' says Reddy.
Addiction is often mistaken for criminal behavior. Kothari distinguishes between the two. 'Sex addiction is closely related to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and disorders like schizophrenia. Only a skilled psychiatrist can differentiate between the two. People also link sexual crimes to the disorder. Addiction is compulsive and not easily treatable. But an offender acts at the spur of the moment.'
Some psychiatric therapies found to work with sex addicts include the Cognitive Behaviour Therapy which employs goal-setting to recover, Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy which focuses on emotional well-being, and the Robert Carkuff Model, which includes a combination of the above. 'Since it is closely linked to OCD, the same medication works sometimes. But broadly, apart from psychotherapy, therapists also use anti-androgens to bring down hormone levels to pre-puberty levels. But this usually leaves side-effects and needs to be handled carefully,' says Reddy.
But as any sex addict will tell you, the road to recovery is long and slippery.
*name changed
Tell tale signs
An addict has an insatiable appetite for sex, and craves for it almost immediately after an orgasm An addict suffers from guilt and remorse after the act For an addict, obligations and responsibilities are not as important as pleasuring themselvesLack of sleep is a common symptomAn addict also feels despair, depression and shameThe need for sex escalates to desperation, and the addiction spirals out of control despite adverse consequences Addicts suffer from irritability and have severe mood-swingsThere is a feeling of disorientation and lack of energy
Behind closed doors of an SAA meeting
Cleaning out the closet can sometimes bring a lot of relief. Especially when the skeletons in your cupboard are sexual demons. The anonymous meet is a motley group of individuals grappling with the addiction.
The Sex Addicts Anonymous initially borrowed the 12-step programme from the alcoholic anonymous recovery programme. The initiation is invariably the recognition of the problem; in accepting that one is addicted to sex. The programme then proceeds to seek spiritual guidance through prayers and then making amends to people one might have hurt because of the addiction.
The meet starts with the chair of the meeting reading out the 12-step recovery programme to attending addicts, after which attendees are encouraged to seek spiritual help by praying. The chair then welcomes newcomers into their fold. After a round of hugs and kisses, the evening gives ways for a recollection of personal histories.
It is in this retelling that minds are bared, and brotherhoods forged. Porn addiction, compulsive masturbation, compulsive sexual encounters, adultery, depression, drug addictions, broken relationships, regrets, shame, guilt — are the usual issues that are spoken about. Shared histories make for a lot of comfort.
This is followed by another prayer session and a resolve to abstain. Before the meet wraps up, attendees decide on the timings for the next meet.
When we started SAA (part of the SAA in the US), there were only two members. Now, with more people talking about it, it has risen to seven.
Celebrities battling addiction
Michael Douglas
One of the first to check into rehab for his addiction in 1990, Douglas sought professional help right after his marriage to Diandra Luker hit troubled waters. Luker accused him of being a serial adulterer. He later redeemed himself with his marriage to Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Russell Brand
Infamous for his womanising ways, funnyman Russell Brand checked into sex rehab in 2005, where the now self-styled addiction expert hated everything from his bed to the food. He was clean for a while but his much-publicised marraige to Katy Perry ended after adultery accusations.
David Duchovny
Duchovny took his Calinifornication's Hank Moody act a bit too seriously when he checked into rehab in 2008, after having denied it for years. He claimed to have sought help when his marriage to Tea Leoni hit rockbottom after she found out.
Tiger Woods
Woods is arguably the most famous celebrity sex addict, after a raging addiction bulldozed a glorious career and broke his marriage. He apologised to his fans and quickly went into rehab in 2009.
How does one know if he/she is a sex addict?
Dr Vijayasarathi Ramanathan, Sexual Health Physician and Medical Sex Therapist, throws some light on the topic.
Is sex addiction a modern phenomenon?
Not quite. Terms like nymphomania or satyriasis, terms to describe sex addiction in women and men respectively have been around since ancient times. It's because of our increased connectivity now that we often hear about more and more cases of sex addiction or sex-related behaviour.
How much is too much?
The problem of addiction can be aptly described using a popular Tamil proverb which when translated means, ' An elixir which generally does good to us by improving health or protecting problems becomes a poison when it is taken more than what is required'.
The key issue is examining how much is too much. When we are prescribed medicines, we are usually prescribed how much we should take. But, for behaviours of addictive nature, it is very hard to draw a line between what is acceptable and what is not as it varies from person to person, society to society, culture to culture, time to time and so on. It could also rely on other factors such as the individuals, medical professionals, research evidence, society, religion etc. (Read: )
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